Chapter ???: Magnus Moestitia
Ultimatum. Yesterday, it was September 5, 2009 when I seek a form of gratification gained from pain. I faced the great pain of any man could get, Knowing the fact that I cant do anything to save our relationship, I still follow my mind, heart and soul. I face every consequences like pain, emotional torture, professional life, self denial, humiliation, and most of all ...my proud pride to my self.
a masochist Xanders...
I went to Sambat, Santo Cristo, Sariaya Quezon to see what lies beyond Mhy, I want to see the place where she grew. I was totally clueless where it is. Before I live the city surrounded by water which is my home, Cavite city, I drew a spiritual strength from a rosary and wear my Nanay's rosary to guide me from anything as I wonder on the province in which I knew not. I still remember my rosary which I give to Mhy, I hope it gives the same spiritual guidance to her too.
It was 3am when I was on my way to Lucena, I was shaking and praying that things will run smooth and everything will be alright. I keep the positive attitude that I can find what I looking for but there is still fear that flows in my head. what if I cant find it? what if she already leave? what if my effort will be wasted?
I fight my tears from falling down as I wondering, my heart beats so loud and my hands is so cold that I am shaking for hours on the bus until I reach the Amang Inang resto in Sariaya. As i drop by on that resto I eat a bowl of Mami, I need to eat even I'm not starving because i know that I didn't take any food since yesterday and there is a great possibility that I could collapse since I feel dizzy and each step I make were out of balance.
All eyes of people there are on me, They staring me as a outsider and wonder what is my business in their town. I was afraid to ask questions but I start to smile at them and ask if they know where is the Granada-Perez clan.
Unfortunately, no one knew them. I try to walk and find some clues on side walk. I start to talk to my self and ask for my sleeping hunters eye to help me again to find my target but I start slowly to loose hope. I was walking around until I reach the Lagnas bridge. I stare at the Mt. Banahaw, I seek essence of fire from it and it amplify my burning desire to continue my mission here at Sariaya.
I go back to the track armed only with memories of Mhy, I breathe and find guts as I walk into brushes inside the forest, I was definitely shaking because I didn't see any road as I go deeper and deeper inside the forest. I couldn't find any people to talk to. To make the situation worst, the rain start to fall. I was totally wet as I walk around the brushes. I put my shades on to hide my teary eyes until I saw a way out on the forest.
I already give up this stupidity searching for her fortress only to surprise her so I text Mhy where the hell is she but unfortunately she said she was still in Fairview waiting for her plane ticket and she has no intention of seeing me in Sariaya.
At this time, I hold my chest and start to take a seat at the mere hollow blocks. I start to shout as a crazy man and I start to loose my consciousness. I look the the gloomy cloud and start to puke due to tiredness. I was so tired, really really tired. Sweat, tears, and wet clothes makes my step heavier but the emotional pain is the heaviest baggage I carry.
While I was walking, I start to ask where I could find a bus that goes to LRT on a guy who was staring at me and wonder what is my problem. I hold both of my metal knuckle and a dagger inside my pocket if he try to mess up with me or laugh on my awkwardness. As he answer my question, he said that a bus in which heading to LRT was on the right lane, I just need to wait for it on the highway. I was also very thirsty so I also ask where i could find a store.
I walk to the store he pinpoint to me and I start to feel an eerie feelings when I saw a table of billiard. I start to wonder inside if there is a PlayStation cafe but i found a two coin arcade. I also saw a motorcycle. My tears are bursting and I was 100% sure this is their store. I start to fix my self before I buy a soda. I went on front of their store and buy a small cola. I saw Krizza and surprise her as I call her name. She was so confuse and surprise that she don't know what to do or what to reply. I go inside and stare at their arcade and watch her big sister. As her sister notice me, I talk to her and ask her a favor to give the red ribbon i treasured to Yen. I also give a rosary guide because I know that Yen don't know how to pray the rosary. after that, I start to go home.
On the bus, I start to text Mhy, she also replied "I'm sorry Xanders, move on!", My feelings was so intense but kinda numb this time. I couldn't feel her love anymore and I also don't have enough affections to give because I already give her all the love I have inside. She said bye for numerous times, like for the countless times I said i love her. I didn't reply for her last bye knowing that she really mean it. I start to open my opera mini on my mobile phone and start to open my facebook account. I saw a wall messages of all of my friends and office mates to me as they keep cheering me up when they knew how much I take the risk for a piece of love. They keep telling me that I'm not alone and they are here with me.
I was kinda happy in the end as my a mission and journey in Quezon Province has been accomplished.
FYI: Magnus Moestitia means Greatest Sorrow
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #007
Chapter ??? :Media nox Moestitia
Segunda. After a dozens of beer and wine i drink, for numerous packs of cigarette i smoke and enormous pain i felt, i thought the catastrophe of pain has subsides in my heart but unfortunately, it is not. After having a talk with all of my friends and advice of persons to whom i talk to, i still suffer and live on despair when i hear that she will leave on Monday, September 7, year 2009. I already threw away her relics which i kept on my room, like the receipts of foods and trips we have. I already deleted her emails in my office and all of her text messages in my mobile phone before, but at this very moment, i miss her so bad and i want to cry the hell out of my heart because of her. I cannot cheat myself that i don't love her anymore, where in my heart, mind and soul was still set to love her more and more as time pass by and it keeps getting stronger everyday just like a balloon that can explode anytime due to enormous air which never stop to keep filling inside.
I never ask God why He let this happen to me, I still have a faith and trust to Him but i cant help my self to stop crying and torturing my self due to intense pain i felt because of this tragic romance. I start to look into mirror, I see my self as a wasted, fool and ugly man. I cant see my former self and i don't recognize who is the person in front of my mirror. Tears start to fall and i begin crying like a moron. I do stupid things again same as what i do before the day when she first inform me that she will leave. My anxiety is overflowing and my mind was sailing on the ceiling on the whole night of pain and tears every night. I want to die to escape this torment but it is really hard to die in a blink of an eye. I want to commit suicide but i don't know how to do it quickly and swiftly.
That is the message coming from her ex-bf which he send to me the day when they finally broke up. It give me reason to live but it also made me think why I should live just because of her? My friends always told me to move on, but how can I move on if I cant get up? no matter how i try to stand on my own, there is no place left for me to go home. She is my home and I'm so addicted, her love is all i need to get by. As my midnight sun fade and the rain drop by in my dessert field again, her water douses my fire which is burning eternally with desire to share my lifetime with her. My idea of living with her for all of my life is a dream which turn to be a nightmare when i discover that it would not last and will end up so soon.
I want to save a little love for my self but there is still a will for her to be done.
FYI: Media nox Moestitia means Midnight of Sorrow
Segunda. After a dozens of beer and wine i drink, for numerous packs of cigarette i smoke and enormous pain i felt, i thought the catastrophe of pain has subsides in my heart but unfortunately, it is not. After having a talk with all of my friends and advice of persons to whom i talk to, i still suffer and live on despair when i hear that she will leave on Monday, September 7, year 2009. I already threw away her relics which i kept on my room, like the receipts of foods and trips we have. I already deleted her emails in my office and all of her text messages in my mobile phone before, but at this very moment, i miss her so bad and i want to cry the hell out of my heart because of her. I cannot cheat myself that i don't love her anymore, where in my heart, mind and soul was still set to love her more and more as time pass by and it keeps getting stronger everyday just like a balloon that can explode anytime due to enormous air which never stop to keep filling inside.
I never ask God why He let this happen to me, I still have a faith and trust to Him but i cant help my self to stop crying and torturing my self due to intense pain i felt because of this tragic romance. I start to look into mirror, I see my self as a wasted, fool and ugly man. I cant see my former self and i don't recognize who is the person in front of my mirror. Tears start to fall and i begin crying like a moron. I do stupid things again same as what i do before the day when she first inform me that she will leave. My anxiety is overflowing and my mind was sailing on the ceiling on the whole night of pain and tears every night. I want to die to escape this torment but it is really hard to die in a blink of an eye. I want to commit suicide but i don't know how to do it quickly and swiftly.
"tol kw n bhla ke mhy ha!Ndi man kta klala alagaan m0 un mabuti wag n wag mo saktan un dhl gagawin ko lhat mbawi lng xa saupg gnwa mo un!Mahal n mahal ko un sna gn0n krn!"
from +639165391020
sent: 9:45am
01/06/2009
from +639165391020
sent: 9:45am
01/06/2009
That is the message coming from her ex-bf which he send to me the day when they finally broke up. It give me reason to live but it also made me think why I should live just because of her? My friends always told me to move on, but how can I move on if I cant get up? no matter how i try to stand on my own, there is no place left for me to go home. She is my home and I'm so addicted, her love is all i need to get by. As my midnight sun fade and the rain drop by in my dessert field again, her water douses my fire which is burning eternally with desire to share my lifetime with her. My idea of living with her for all of my life is a dream which turn to be a nightmare when i discover that it would not last and will end up so soon.
I want to save a little love for my self but there is still a will for her to be done.
FYI: Media nox Moestitia means Midnight of Sorrow
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #006
Chapter ??? :Conticinium Moestitia
Priemiera, this is the last week I’m going to see her working on our company, night after night I can’t help my self from thinking, I still wonder why does this feeling couldn’t fade away. No matter how much I keep myself busy, there is wave of pain that makes my chest bleed. As I go to my work, I can’t act that I’m fine where in I was really and indefinitely devastated and ruined inside. I know she was still here in her area but I will only hurt my self if I try to see her knowing that it would be the last glimpse I’m going to remember and indefinitely will haunt my memories. The flame of agony consumes me in and it never stops burning from me, the flame never dies inside of me and I almost bend my knees as these feeling I felt can be compared how souls are burned in hell.
How I wish this kind of pain also have a break just like how my duty ends in every eight hours on my shift so I could take a rest for the coming pain on the next day but it is not. Right after my shift, no matter how much I want to take a rest, it only makes my burden doubled and the only way to lessen the pain is to keep my self doing something and keep my self busy so my mind would not reminisce the times we once shared. Normally, I go for a walk without destination alone, trying to have someone to pick me up and give me some anesthesia but I end up to the place where we use to be when we are still together which knocks me off on my feet. To make the situation worst, it is in the sea side, the element of water which symbolizes her icon and her trademark which is “go with the flow”.
I need to fight these tears from falling knowing these tears would not ease my pain. I try to make a call and text but no avail. Maybe she is already sleeping or busy with something else. It’s already been 2am but I’m still awake yet too dead to be true. It is absurd to call my self a corpse right now because insomnia keeps me awake and I can’t make my self fall asleep. I know that even I’m awake and breathing, even my heart still pump blood. I know I already lost my life.
As I take a ride back to my pod, I thought I was already tired, wish to have a slumber for eternity until the time she is the one who will wake me up but I know I will still wake up on my own tomorrow and all of this will be repeated all over again. It is so terrible because time is ticking away so fast. The time she will leave me for good is coming and I can’t do something to make this day acceptable for both of us.
Is these we suppose to end up? How I wish and pray it is not...
FYI: Conticinium moestitia means first part of the night of sorrow.
Priemiera, this is the last week I’m going to see her working on our company, night after night I can’t help my self from thinking, I still wonder why does this feeling couldn’t fade away. No matter how much I keep myself busy, there is wave of pain that makes my chest bleed. As I go to my work, I can’t act that I’m fine where in I was really and indefinitely devastated and ruined inside. I know she was still here in her area but I will only hurt my self if I try to see her knowing that it would be the last glimpse I’m going to remember and indefinitely will haunt my memories. The flame of agony consumes me in and it never stops burning from me, the flame never dies inside of me and I almost bend my knees as these feeling I felt can be compared how souls are burned in hell.
How I wish this kind of pain also have a break just like how my duty ends in every eight hours on my shift so I could take a rest for the coming pain on the next day but it is not. Right after my shift, no matter how much I want to take a rest, it only makes my burden doubled and the only way to lessen the pain is to keep my self doing something and keep my self busy so my mind would not reminisce the times we once shared. Normally, I go for a walk without destination alone, trying to have someone to pick me up and give me some anesthesia but I end up to the place where we use to be when we are still together which knocks me off on my feet. To make the situation worst, it is in the sea side, the element of water which symbolizes her icon and her trademark which is “go with the flow”.
I need to fight these tears from falling knowing these tears would not ease my pain. I try to make a call and text but no avail. Maybe she is already sleeping or busy with something else. It’s already been 2am but I’m still awake yet too dead to be true. It is absurd to call my self a corpse right now because insomnia keeps me awake and I can’t make my self fall asleep. I know that even I’m awake and breathing, even my heart still pump blood. I know I already lost my life.
As I take a ride back to my pod, I thought I was already tired, wish to have a slumber for eternity until the time she is the one who will wake me up but I know I will still wake up on my own tomorrow and all of this will be repeated all over again. It is so terrible because time is ticking away so fast. The time she will leave me for good is coming and I can’t do something to make this day acceptable for both of us.
Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 6:49 AM
"Good day po.
Since close na tayo, wish me luck ha, hehehe
Interview ko today sa employer ko.
Ah have a nice day. Bye po absent ko ngayon eh." -Mhy
Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2009 7:20 PM
“The luck has been given…
Please take all the smiles from all of my years
And im willing to take all of your tears
Have a nice day, bye po, absent na ko for the rest of your life from that day” -Xandz
"Good day po.
Since close na tayo, wish me luck ha, hehehe
Interview ko today sa employer ko.
Ah have a nice day. Bye po absent ko ngayon eh." -Mhy
Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2009 7:20 PM
“The luck has been given…
Please take all the smiles from all of my years
And im willing to take all of your tears
Have a nice day, bye po, absent na ko for the rest of your life from that day” -Xandz
Is these we suppose to end up? How I wish and pray it is not...
FYI: Conticinium moestitia means first part of the night of sorrow.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #005
Chapter ?????: Lugeo Semiterna
I never imagine how to live my life without her; I was in an intense pain which cuts my inner being the day she revealed that soon we will be separated by far distances and we might never see each other again. It was a crippling sensation that she painfully drilled a huge hole inside my chest and my vital organ was ragged including my inner soul which continues to bleed and throb despite the passage of time. I try to gasp for air and breathe but my efforts yield nothing as I still suffocated by each mourn and weep wave by wave. I try to stand still but the heavy burdens knock me down on my bended knees as I pray to scrambled my numbness but I can’t evade every piercing pain which succumbs my soul.
I hold my chest even I know that my lungs are still intact, my heart must be beating too but I couldn’t feel every pulse whenever I try to feel it with my hands which felt blue with cold. Wreaking waves keeps me hurting through my limbs and head for the aching loss which radiated from my chest. I know I could still somehow survive and could live through it but deep inside I know I failed and the penitence will last for the rest of my life.
I wondered how long I could hold this pain. Maybe someday, years from now, I would be able to look back on those few short months which we are together because that would always be the best part of my life. I feel that this kind of pain would never be weakened as the time goes by but I would grow strong enough to face and bear this kind of burden from within because the damage she's done in my heart and soul was permanent and irreversible.
I was seeking for someone who can give me some shelter for this heavy burden which eats my soul alive. How much I try to listen to live music, loud laughs of my friends, drink too much and do all the efforts to keep me alive because I’m totally freaking corpse by now, still I cant stop to keep my self from thinking.
Totally ridiculous, I already come to the point of claustrophobia due to my anxiety. I know I’ve been thinned down to the core. This is the time that I appreciate and want to be put in a comatose condition for me to escape this kind of despair. How I wish I would never be awaken until the time she went back to me again.
FYI: Lugeo Semiterna means to grieve forever
I never imagine how to live my life without her; I was in an intense pain which cuts my inner being the day she revealed that soon we will be separated by far distances and we might never see each other again. It was a crippling sensation that she painfully drilled a huge hole inside my chest and my vital organ was ragged including my inner soul which continues to bleed and throb despite the passage of time. I try to gasp for air and breathe but my efforts yield nothing as I still suffocated by each mourn and weep wave by wave. I try to stand still but the heavy burdens knock me down on my bended knees as I pray to scrambled my numbness but I can’t evade every piercing pain which succumbs my soul.
I hold my chest even I know that my lungs are still intact, my heart must be beating too but I couldn’t feel every pulse whenever I try to feel it with my hands which felt blue with cold. Wreaking waves keeps me hurting through my limbs and head for the aching loss which radiated from my chest. I know I could still somehow survive and could live through it but deep inside I know I failed and the penitence will last for the rest of my life.
I wondered how long I could hold this pain. Maybe someday, years from now, I would be able to look back on those few short months which we are together because that would always be the best part of my life. I feel that this kind of pain would never be weakened as the time goes by but I would grow strong enough to face and bear this kind of burden from within because the damage she's done in my heart and soul was permanent and irreversible.
I was seeking for someone who can give me some shelter for this heavy burden which eats my soul alive. How much I try to listen to live music, loud laughs of my friends, drink too much and do all the efforts to keep me alive because I’m totally freaking corpse by now, still I cant stop to keep my self from thinking.
Totally ridiculous, I already come to the point of claustrophobia due to my anxiety. I know I’ve been thinned down to the core. This is the time that I appreciate and want to be put in a comatose condition for me to escape this kind of despair. How I wish I would never be awaken until the time she went back to me again.
FYI: Lugeo Semiterna means to grieve forever
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #004
Chapter: ?!?!?!
Catastasis
I was very sure that I was dreaming this time. The reasons I was so certain aware is, first, I was standing beside our mango tree in our yard. Our Mango tree has been pulled out by a storm named “Milenyo” years ago in our little city of Cavite. Second, I saw my Grandfather Tatay Alejo. Tatay had been dead for six years now, and that was solid evidence that this was a dream.
Oddly, I was not terrified nor afraid when I saw him. I never trembled in fear seeing him looking at me knowing he is already dead. Tatay hadn't changed; his face looked just the same as the last time I saw him alive. I was about to ask him a lot questions like; What he had been up to in the past six years? Is there a place which we call heaven? Did he saw his father and mother wherever they were? As I wait for his voice to be heard, I hear someone called my name.
“Xanders…”
This was the voice that I would willing to sacrifice everything just to hear it all over again whether I was awake or sleep… or even I was already dead.
It’s Mhy.
Even though I was sure that I was dreaming, I was always thrilled to see her and I try to introduce her to my Tatay Alejo and try to explain that she is the girl that I always want to be with for all of eternity and not the girl he knew when he was still alive.
Suddenly, I had a strange and odd vision in my dream as I saw a rosary which binds Mhy and I. Tatay Alejo was smiling yet I saw his eyes were watery with tears ready to fall. I saw them walking away and hear that Tatay thanking Mhy as they walk away from me. I start to emit furious flames as they ignore me when I said wait. I was mad this time and my eyes turned black instead of its natural color whenever it was exposing to sunlight. I try to lighten up the dark place to see where they were going with my fire but Mhy summon a huge wave of water which turns off my fire and all visibility turns fade to black. After that, Mhy kiss me passionately and greet me a happy birthday then the rosary were snapped.
I woke up and I was terrified, I remember the first person whom I gave a rosary which is my first love when I was on Elementary. I was worrying why the rosary snapped in my dreams. I was in the state of anxiety so I go to my office when Mhy texted me. I was shaking when I arrive, as something is bound to happen and I cannot tell whether it is good… or bad.
I informed Mhy thru text message when I arrive in the canteen. After a couple of minutes, One of her friend in the canteen gave me a cake.
I was surprise she gave me a cake as her Birthday present. I have no idea what is going on in this moment because she tell me to give the cake to my officemates. After doing so, I was totally shock on the words written on the cake as i open the box. I still can’t believe if this is true so I text her and she replied…
At this very moment, I don’t own my life anymore…
Catastasis
I was very sure that I was dreaming this time. The reasons I was so certain aware is, first, I was standing beside our mango tree in our yard. Our Mango tree has been pulled out by a storm named “Milenyo” years ago in our little city of Cavite. Second, I saw my Grandfather Tatay Alejo. Tatay had been dead for six years now, and that was solid evidence that this was a dream.
Oddly, I was not terrified nor afraid when I saw him. I never trembled in fear seeing him looking at me knowing he is already dead. Tatay hadn't changed; his face looked just the same as the last time I saw him alive. I was about to ask him a lot questions like; What he had been up to in the past six years? Is there a place which we call heaven? Did he saw his father and mother wherever they were? As I wait for his voice to be heard, I hear someone called my name.
“Xanders…”
This was the voice that I would willing to sacrifice everything just to hear it all over again whether I was awake or sleep… or even I was already dead.
It’s Mhy.
Even though I was sure that I was dreaming, I was always thrilled to see her and I try to introduce her to my Tatay Alejo and try to explain that she is the girl that I always want to be with for all of eternity and not the girl he knew when he was still alive.
Suddenly, I had a strange and odd vision in my dream as I saw a rosary which binds Mhy and I. Tatay Alejo was smiling yet I saw his eyes were watery with tears ready to fall. I saw them walking away and hear that Tatay thanking Mhy as they walk away from me. I start to emit furious flames as they ignore me when I said wait. I was mad this time and my eyes turned black instead of its natural color whenever it was exposing to sunlight. I try to lighten up the dark place to see where they were going with my fire but Mhy summon a huge wave of water which turns off my fire and all visibility turns fade to black. After that, Mhy kiss me passionately and greet me a happy birthday then the rosary were snapped.
I woke up and I was terrified, I remember the first person whom I gave a rosary which is my first love when I was on Elementary. I was worrying why the rosary snapped in my dreams. I was in the state of anxiety so I go to my office when Mhy texted me. I was shaking when I arrive, as something is bound to happen and I cannot tell whether it is good… or bad.
I informed Mhy thru text message when I arrive in the canteen. After a couple of minutes, One of her friend in the canteen gave me a cake.
I was surprise she gave me a cake as her Birthday present. I have no idea what is going on in this moment because she tell me to give the cake to my officemates. After doing so, I was totally shock on the words written on the cake as i open the box. I still can’t believe if this is true so I text her and she replied…
Oh akala ko b gus2 m
mkta nla kng gno m ko
kmahal. Di ntn yan
mddla mxado mlaki bgay
m nlng sa team mo,itz
juz my way of saying
YES
From: 4ever Maylene
Sent: 5:26pm
16/06/2009
mkta nla kng gno m ko
kmahal. Di ntn yan
mddla mxado mlaki bgay
m nlng sa team mo,itz
juz my way of saying
YES
From: 4ever Maylene
Sent: 5:26pm
16/06/2009
At this very moment, I don’t own my life anymore…
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #003
Chapter Three: Sanctuary
Being in love is terrible. It opens your inner being and makes you so vulnerable in any forms of emotional attack. You give the best of you to the person you love even they didn’t ask it, and your damn best is not good to make it last. They did something like smile at you, embrace you, caressing you, kiss you and then your life isn’t your own anymore. There are times that love slowly fade and break our heart. A broken heart turns to be a shattered glass that burst inside our soul in a ripping pain. No matter how much we want to make them stay, they still need to go and we must set them free.
“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1st Corinthians 13: 4-7”
As we walk down the same path right now, I still can’t call her mine. In every night we walk under the moonlight, No matter how far we walk, no matter how long it takes, she still needs to return because someone is waiting her to be home.
It feels like a hell knowing she’s not mine. I feel like there is something she takes away from me every time we separated apart. But I start to wonder, how can I loose someone which I haven’t from the very start?
How painful to see that the one you want to be loved is in love with someone else, but there’s no more painful that a guy could ever felt if the one you want to be loved is still crying because of her someone else. Isn’t it ironic?
Is it really necessary to let go the person you love to prove you really love her? If so, if you really love this person, why in the hell you will let her go? If I really did the right thing, why this pain won’t fade away? I hope the rain can wash away this piercing pain which really tearing my soul from within.
Isn’t it absurd to give her all the smiles while I’ll take all these tears? The winds has come and the time were ticking away so fast, life is really short and you cannot turn back time no matter how much you bend your knees and please.
I keep asking myself “Did I really do my part?” I still want to play my part but I know my role is already over. How I wish to remake the things which time turned out to be but I already came this far… I can’t go back where I used to be.
Expressing what I feel to her is like heaven itself. She may not appreciate it but for me, it’s the best feeling in the world. It doesn’t matter if she ignores me; as long as I’m giving my best shot... it really doesn’t matter... Even I know I turn to be an obsessed and masochistic vagabond.
Before she leaves me in Baclaran Church, I embrace her tenderly, I try to whisper that I love her but knowing that she will be caressed by the person she choose when she come back at her pod, I just seal my lips and vanquished my speech.
I supposed that she will leave soon but I want the whole world to know that a part of her stays with me even after she goes.
Being in love is terrible. It opens your inner being and makes you so vulnerable in any forms of emotional attack. You give the best of you to the person you love even they didn’t ask it, and your damn best is not good to make it last. They did something like smile at you, embrace you, caressing you, kiss you and then your life isn’t your own anymore. There are times that love slowly fade and break our heart. A broken heart turns to be a shattered glass that burst inside our soul in a ripping pain. No matter how much we want to make them stay, they still need to go and we must set them free.
“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1st Corinthians 13: 4-7”
As we walk down the same path right now, I still can’t call her mine. In every night we walk under the moonlight, No matter how far we walk, no matter how long it takes, she still needs to return because someone is waiting her to be home.
"grabe ha? I still cant believe nilakad natin from our work place til Edsa! -Mhy"
It feels like a hell knowing she’s not mine. I feel like there is something she takes away from me every time we separated apart. But I start to wonder, how can I loose someone which I haven’t from the very start?
How painful to see that the one you want to be loved is in love with someone else, but there’s no more painful that a guy could ever felt if the one you want to be loved is still crying because of her someone else. Isn’t it ironic?
Is it really necessary to let go the person you love to prove you really love her? If so, if you really love this person, why in the hell you will let her go? If I really did the right thing, why this pain won’t fade away? I hope the rain can wash away this piercing pain which really tearing my soul from within.
Isn’t it absurd to give her all the smiles while I’ll take all these tears? The winds has come and the time were ticking away so fast, life is really short and you cannot turn back time no matter how much you bend your knees and please.
I keep asking myself “Did I really do my part?” I still want to play my part but I know my role is already over. How I wish to remake the things which time turned out to be but I already came this far… I can’t go back where I used to be.
Expressing what I feel to her is like heaven itself. She may not appreciate it but for me, it’s the best feeling in the world. It doesn’t matter if she ignores me; as long as I’m giving my best shot... it really doesn’t matter... Even I know I turn to be an obsessed and masochistic vagabond.
Before she leaves me in Baclaran Church, I embrace her tenderly, I try to whisper that I love her but knowing that she will be caressed by the person she choose when she come back at her pod, I just seal my lips and vanquished my speech.
I supposed that she will leave soon but I want the whole world to know that a part of her stays with me even after she goes.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #002
Chapter Two: Suffragium
“But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you shall not eat of it: for in the day that you eat thereof you shall surely die. Genesis 2:17”
The moment she succumb my soul, my breath is destined for her to take. For between life and death, thus my life shall turn to ashes. For the difference that she make, It doesn’t really matter if I am right or wrong, I am indulge to her while I devoured by her requiem song.
My body, mind and soul starts to fidget and I’m loosing out of control. My affection to her ravishes my tranquility and my peptide hormones that bind to opiate receptors keep me pushing near to her. Upon being with her, that is the only time I regain the peace that I’ve lost.
Upon talking to her, we had melancholy conversations. In those strident tones that once shook from her lips, requiem of souls has been unleashed. Forfeited by thee this agony and grieve in the valley of tears. Claim as penitence for my vile and sins.
I knew it, my doubt was right from the very start. She was shackled with someone else just like a princess maiden who kept hostage in a tower of bricks which can be compared in the height of a skyscraper. I was still frightened of the hostility that I sometimes felt emanating from her. I was still tongue-tied whenever I pictured her radiant face that was imprisoned on regrets and disappointments on the person she choose to be with. I want to outburst for what things have become. I wish things were renewed and this pain can be eased so I won’t felt this kind of feelings.
“And now tell me, do you feel the same feelings you have for me? “ She lamented her thoughtless acts.
I reply sincerely and try to communicate by looking straight towards on her powerful and dangerous eyes.
“Indeed” I reply
“Are you insane? I already told you that my life was already condemned and my former someone was able to…”
I could hear how crazy she sounded, and I couldn't hide my unconditional feelings for her. She was so frustrated that I could feel her tears coming.
“…Enough” putting an end on her tone question about my sanity
“Why? Don’t you like to hear more about what I’ve become and what I do on my past?” she persisted when I told her I didn't mind in the least.
“I said enough, you only let me fall deeper to you, isn’t it so obvious that I’m so in love with you right now?” I pleaded and my soft voice overwhelming.
She was staring at me incredulously. But her face was tense, defensive.
"You think I will believe you?" Her tone questioned my sanity while she unleashed the full, devastating power of her eyes on me.
“I never ask you to believe” I smirked offensively countering her devastating eyes which pierce my inner being.
“Who are you? I don’t know what or how can someone like you came to my life, it looks so unreal that someone will had that kind of affections” Her eyes were watery intense and tears were ready to fall in her blushing cheeks as she uttered that last sentence, her voice was melting in a soft and sentimental tone and It is hard for me to breathe.
I paused, and for a brief moment her stunning face was unexpectedly vulnerable.
“So, what’s the verdict?” I asked
She nodded her head and say… "In that case… I hope you enjoy disappointment."
FYI : Suffragium means praying to God on behalf of someone else.
“But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you shall not eat of it: for in the day that you eat thereof you shall surely die. Genesis 2:17”
The moment she succumb my soul, my breath is destined for her to take. For between life and death, thus my life shall turn to ashes. For the difference that she make, It doesn’t really matter if I am right or wrong, I am indulge to her while I devoured by her requiem song.
My body, mind and soul starts to fidget and I’m loosing out of control. My affection to her ravishes my tranquility and my peptide hormones that bind to opiate receptors keep me pushing near to her. Upon being with her, that is the only time I regain the peace that I’ve lost.
Upon talking to her, we had melancholy conversations. In those strident tones that once shook from her lips, requiem of souls has been unleashed. Forfeited by thee this agony and grieve in the valley of tears. Claim as penitence for my vile and sins.
I knew it, my doubt was right from the very start. She was shackled with someone else just like a princess maiden who kept hostage in a tower of bricks which can be compared in the height of a skyscraper. I was still frightened of the hostility that I sometimes felt emanating from her. I was still tongue-tied whenever I pictured her radiant face that was imprisoned on regrets and disappointments on the person she choose to be with. I want to outburst for what things have become. I wish things were renewed and this pain can be eased so I won’t felt this kind of feelings.
“And now tell me, do you feel the same feelings you have for me? “ She lamented her thoughtless acts.
I reply sincerely and try to communicate by looking straight towards on her powerful and dangerous eyes.
“Indeed” I reply
“Are you insane? I already told you that my life was already condemned and my former someone was able to…”
I could hear how crazy she sounded, and I couldn't hide my unconditional feelings for her. She was so frustrated that I could feel her tears coming.
“…Enough” putting an end on her tone question about my sanity
“Why? Don’t you like to hear more about what I’ve become and what I do on my past?” she persisted when I told her I didn't mind in the least.
“I said enough, you only let me fall deeper to you, isn’t it so obvious that I’m so in love with you right now?” I pleaded and my soft voice overwhelming.
She was staring at me incredulously. But her face was tense, defensive.
"You think I will believe you?" Her tone questioned my sanity while she unleashed the full, devastating power of her eyes on me.
“I never ask you to believe” I smirked offensively countering her devastating eyes which pierce my inner being.
“Who are you? I don’t know what or how can someone like you came to my life, it looks so unreal that someone will had that kind of affections” Her eyes were watery intense and tears were ready to fall in her blushing cheeks as she uttered that last sentence, her voice was melting in a soft and sentimental tone and It is hard for me to breathe.
I paused, and for a brief moment her stunning face was unexpectedly vulnerable.
“So, what’s the verdict?” I asked
She nodded her head and say… "In that case… I hope you enjoy disappointment."
FYI : Suffragium means praying to God on behalf of someone else.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #001
Chapter One: Noctem Aeternus
A month way back before, It was post meridian when I first glance at her; I look at her in timid manner. I try not to say the words that might just scare her away just like those pathetic, low lives perverts who wants to catch her attention.
When I gaze upon her, I see a pair of captivating eyes; those blurry eyes endured tears and sufferings due to tragic past of miserable romance. It shows mysteries of her life that I always wanted to solve. These eyes belong to a pale, soft and smooth looking face. Although barely noticeable, it is an epitome of peacefulness, tranquility, and yet soothing. Also; her scent is the most intensive drug I ever inhaled, my long awaited personal morphine that I ever want to abuse. Her voice enchants a last song syndrome in my cerebrum, creating a soft melody that haunts in every deafening silence whenever I’m alone.
I already made up my mind that I will avoid her so I won’t be able to wanting her so badly because I don’t know if I can control myself once I give my will for her to be done.
Unfortunately, fate vanquishes my words. When I met her on the time immemorial, I get the shivers down my spine and I feel my body turning cold. This feeling is so frightening; it keeps me driving insane as I near to her. My chest starts to beat at a speed equal to a predator as it charges toward its prey. Her soul hit me like a battering ram on medieval sieges, crushing the thick brick wall I established to protect me from devastating pain. I can never tell on eternal lines what kind of force burst inside me on the day she talks to me in that single room.
“Do you like anything? Like juice or coffee?“ A sweet toned voice unleashed in her tempting lips.
“No, Thanks…” I answered.
I still wonder why I can’t explain these tranquil and serene feelings that touch my heart and her smile illuminate my heart that hide in the darkness. I already got all I need when I am beside her. She’s too close to me yet so far. I have hard time to keep my eyes off her and I felt this indescribable feelings. How I wish I could tell her in words what I really feel but I couldn’t find the right words that can touch her deep inside.
For that very moment, I can’t get her out of my mind. She opens my heart and makes me vulnerable in any form of distinctive emotions that will cut or hammered my inner being. I greatly loose all of my strength to keep away from her and have the urge to see her more and more…
FYI: “Noctem Aeternus” means “Eternal Night” in Latin
A month way back before, It was post meridian when I first glance at her; I look at her in timid manner. I try not to say the words that might just scare her away just like those pathetic, low lives perverts who wants to catch her attention.
When I gaze upon her, I see a pair of captivating eyes; those blurry eyes endured tears and sufferings due to tragic past of miserable romance. It shows mysteries of her life that I always wanted to solve. These eyes belong to a pale, soft and smooth looking face. Although barely noticeable, it is an epitome of peacefulness, tranquility, and yet soothing. Also; her scent is the most intensive drug I ever inhaled, my long awaited personal morphine that I ever want to abuse. Her voice enchants a last song syndrome in my cerebrum, creating a soft melody that haunts in every deafening silence whenever I’m alone.
I already made up my mind that I will avoid her so I won’t be able to wanting her so badly because I don’t know if I can control myself once I give my will for her to be done.
Unfortunately, fate vanquishes my words. When I met her on the time immemorial, I get the shivers down my spine and I feel my body turning cold. This feeling is so frightening; it keeps me driving insane as I near to her. My chest starts to beat at a speed equal to a predator as it charges toward its prey. Her soul hit me like a battering ram on medieval sieges, crushing the thick brick wall I established to protect me from devastating pain. I can never tell on eternal lines what kind of force burst inside me on the day she talks to me in that single room.
“Do you like anything? Like juice or coffee?“ A sweet toned voice unleashed in her tempting lips.
“No, Thanks…” I answered.
I still wonder why I can’t explain these tranquil and serene feelings that touch my heart and her smile illuminate my heart that hide in the darkness. I already got all I need when I am beside her. She’s too close to me yet so far. I have hard time to keep my eyes off her and I felt this indescribable feelings. How I wish I could tell her in words what I really feel but I couldn’t find the right words that can touch her deep inside.
For that very moment, I can’t get her out of my mind. She opens my heart and makes me vulnerable in any form of distinctive emotions that will cut or hammered my inner being. I greatly loose all of my strength to keep away from her and have the urge to see her more and more…
FYI: “Noctem Aeternus” means “Eternal Night” in Latin
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #000
Prologue: Ascension
How I wish I were able to tell this story with an ease without painfully piercing thy heart which continuously bleeding for condemned sake. You have no idea how hard this is for me.
This is the moment I want to take eternal slumber for thee to escape thy torment.
San Antonio Cavite City Philippines; My purgatory…
The tedium on this place reminded me more strongly of what happened before, and my thoughts were rambling far greater. The first one is far more quite normal; I only sacrifice my decades and get devastated. But this time, it was harder just now. With this feelings were much stronger and these affections were doubled.
Until I figure out that this was nothing I’d ever encounter before. I know there’s something wrong with me now. Beneath the transient hypothesis I think about myself, I felt a strange impulse, a shattering strike which keeps destroying the barricades and walls I build for defense and makes me vulnerable in any form of attack.
I can’t really get these essences of things which I find no absolutely explanation why I do felt this weird sensation stuck in my mediocre mind.
Now I will start…
It was the date of my birth on year 2009; I wear the mask of silence while pretending I’m alright. I thank anyone who greet me and gave them a warm smile without knowing them that my soul is already devastated. If there was any way to atone for my vile, this ambiance counts toward horrible form of penance for my sins.
My mobile phone keeps ringing, several message of sincere greetings were able to put aside when I saw it is not from her. Finest cuisines become insipid when I put it on my mouth knowing that she is not with me right now.
I was in inert state while being nostalgic. I keep reminiscing every single little moment we have. Those moments succumb and ravish my tranquility.
I was haunted by memories when I first met her. I can’t stop thinking about the ambiance, the scenario and mystery which lies beneath her life on the day I look in her eyes. That is the moment were things in my life would never be the same again.Words cannot encapsulate what happened to me in that very moment of truth.
Truly, madly and deeply… yes, I admit I already fall.
How I wish I were able to tell this story with an ease without painfully piercing thy heart which continuously bleeding for condemned sake. You have no idea how hard this is for me.
This is the moment I want to take eternal slumber for thee to escape thy torment.
San Antonio Cavite City Philippines; My purgatory…
The tedium on this place reminded me more strongly of what happened before, and my thoughts were rambling far greater. The first one is far more quite normal; I only sacrifice my decades and get devastated. But this time, it was harder just now. With this feelings were much stronger and these affections were doubled.
Until I figure out that this was nothing I’d ever encounter before. I know there’s something wrong with me now. Beneath the transient hypothesis I think about myself, I felt a strange impulse, a shattering strike which keeps destroying the barricades and walls I build for defense and makes me vulnerable in any form of attack.
I can’t really get these essences of things which I find no absolutely explanation why I do felt this weird sensation stuck in my mediocre mind.
Now I will start…
It was the date of my birth on year 2009; I wear the mask of silence while pretending I’m alright. I thank anyone who greet me and gave them a warm smile without knowing them that my soul is already devastated. If there was any way to atone for my vile, this ambiance counts toward horrible form of penance for my sins.
My mobile phone keeps ringing, several message of sincere greetings were able to put aside when I saw it is not from her. Finest cuisines become insipid when I put it on my mouth knowing that she is not with me right now.
I was in inert state while being nostalgic. I keep reminiscing every single little moment we have. Those moments succumb and ravish my tranquility.
I was haunted by memories when I first met her. I can’t stop thinking about the ambiance, the scenario and mystery which lies beneath her life on the day I look in her eyes. That is the moment were things in my life would never be the same again.Words cannot encapsulate what happened to me in that very moment of truth.
Truly, madly and deeply… yes, I admit I already fall.
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