Segunda. After a dozens of beer and wine i drink, for numerous packs of cigarette i smoke and enormous pain i felt, i thought the catastrophe of pain has subsides in my heart but unfortunately, it is not. After having a talk with all of my friends and advice of persons to whom i talk to, i still suffer and live on despair when i hear that she will leave on Monday, September 7, year 2009. I already threw away her relics which i kept on my room, like the receipts of foods and trips we have. I already deleted her emails in my office and all of her text messages in my mobile phone before, but at this very moment, i miss her so bad and i want to cry the hell out of my heart because of her. I cannot cheat myself that i don't love her anymore, where in my heart, mind and soul was still set to love her more and more as time pass by and it keeps getting stronger everyday just like a balloon that can explode anytime due to enormous air which never stop to keep filling inside.
I never ask God why He let this happen to me, I still have a faith and trust to Him but i cant help my self to stop crying and torturing my self due to intense pain i felt because of this tragic romance. I start to look into mirror, I see my self as a wasted, fool and ugly man. I cant see my former self and i don't recognize who is the person in front of my mirror. Tears start to fall and i begin crying like a moron. I do stupid things again same as what i do before the day when she first inform me that she will leave. My anxiety is overflowing and my mind was sailing on the ceiling on the whole night of pain and tears every night. I want to die to escape this torment but it is really hard to die in a blink of an eye. I want to commit suicide but i don't know how to do it quickly and swiftly.
"tol kw n bhla ke mhy ha!Ndi man kta klala alagaan m0 un mabuti wag n wag mo saktan un dhl gagawin ko lhat mbawi lng xa saupg gnwa mo un!Mahal n mahal ko un sna gn0n krn!"
from +639165391020
sent: 9:45am
01/06/2009
from +639165391020
sent: 9:45am
01/06/2009
That is the message coming from her ex-bf which he send to me the day when they finally broke up. It give me reason to live but it also made me think why I should live just because of her? My friends always told me to move on, but how can I move on if I cant get up? no matter how i try to stand on my own, there is no place left for me to go home. She is my home and I'm so addicted, her love is all i need to get by. As my midnight sun fade and the rain drop by in my dessert field again, her water douses my fire which is burning eternally with desire to share my lifetime with her. My idea of living with her for all of my life is a dream which turn to be a nightmare when i discover that it would not last and will end up so soon.
I want to save a little love for my self but there is still a will for her to be done.
FYI: Media nox Moestitia means Midnight of Sorrow
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