Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #006

Chapter ??? :Conticinium Moestitia

Priemiera, this is the last week I’m going to see her working on our company, night after night I can’t help my self from thinking, I still wonder why does this feeling couldn’t fade away. No matter how much I keep myself busy, there is wave of pain that makes my chest bleed. As I go to my work, I can’t act that I’m fine where in I was really and indefinitely devastated and ruined inside. I know she was still here in her area but I will only hurt my self if I try to see her knowing that it would be the last glimpse I’m going to remember and indefinitely will haunt my memories. The flame of agony consumes me in and it never stops burning from me, the flame never dies inside of me and I almost bend my knees as these feeling I felt can be compared how souls are burned in hell.

How I wish this kind of pain also have a break just like how my duty ends in every eight hours on my shift so I could take a rest for the coming pain on the next day but it is not. Right after my shift, no matter how much I want to take a rest, it only makes my burden doubled and the only way to lessen the pain is to keep my self doing something and keep my self busy so my mind would not reminisce the times we once shared. Normally, I go for a walk without destination alone, trying to have someone to pick me up and give me some anesthesia but I end up to the place where we use to be when we are still together which knocks me off on my feet. To make the situation worst, it is in the sea side, the element of water which symbolizes her icon and her trademark which is “go with the flow”.

I need to fight these tears from falling knowing these tears would not ease my pain. I try to make a call and text but no avail. Maybe she is already sleeping or busy with something else. It’s already been 2am but I’m still awake yet too dead to be true. It is absurd to call my self a corpse right now because insomnia keeps me awake and I can’t make my self fall asleep. I know that even I’m awake and breathing, even my heart still pump blood. I know I already lost my life.
As I take a ride back to my pod, I thought I was already tired, wish to have a slumber for eternity until the time she is the one who will wake me up but I know I will still wake up on my own tomorrow and all of this will be repeated all over again. It is so terrible because time is ticking away so fast. The time she will leave me for good is coming and I can’t do something to make this day acceptable for both of us.

Sent: Wednesday, May 20, 2009 6:49 AM
"Good day po.
Since close na tayo, wish me luck ha, hehehe
Interview ko today sa employer ko.
Ah have a nice day. Bye po absent ko ngayon eh." -Mhy

Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2009 7:20 PM
“The luck has been given…
Please take all the smiles from all of my years
And im willing to take all of your tears
Have a nice day, bye po, absent na ko for the rest of your life from that day” -Xandz

Is these we suppose to end up? How I wish and pray it is not...


FYI: Conticinium moestitia means first part of the night of sorrow.

Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #005

Chapter ?????: Lugeo Semiterna



I never imagine how to live my life without her; I was in an intense pain which cuts my inner being the day she revealed that soon we will be separated by far distances and we might never see each other again. It was a crippling sensation that she painfully drilled a huge hole inside my chest and my vital organ was ragged including my inner soul which continues to bleed and throb despite the passage of time. I try to gasp for air and breathe but my efforts yield nothing as I still suffocated by each mourn and weep wave by wave. I try to stand still but the heavy burdens knock me down on my bended knees as I pray to scrambled my numbness but I can’t evade every piercing pain which succumbs my soul.

I hold my chest even I know that my lungs are still intact, my heart must be beating too but I couldn’t feel every pulse whenever I try to feel it with my hands which felt blue with cold. Wreaking waves keeps me hurting through my limbs and head for the aching loss which radiated from my chest. I know I could still somehow survive and could live through it but deep inside I know I failed and the penitence will last for the rest of my life.

I wondered how long I could hold this pain. Maybe someday, years from now, I would be able to look back on those few short months which we are together because that would always be the best part of my life. I feel that this kind of pain would never be weakened as the time goes by but I would grow strong enough to face and bear this kind of burden from within because the damage she's done in my heart and soul was permanent and irreversible.

I was seeking for someone who can give me some shelter for this heavy burden which eats my soul alive. How much I try to listen to live music, loud laughs of my friends, drink too much and do all the efforts to keep me alive because I’m totally freaking corpse by now, still I cant stop to keep my self from thinking.

Totally ridiculous, I already come to the point of claustrophobia due to my anxiety. I know I’ve been thinned down to the core. This is the time that I appreciate and want to be put in a comatose condition for me to escape this kind of despair. How I wish I would never be awaken until the time she went back to me again.

FYI: Lugeo Semiterna means to grieve forever