Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #004

Chapter: ?!?!?!
Catastasis

I was very sure that I was dreaming this time. The reasons I was so certain aware is, first, I was standing beside our mango tree in our yard. Our Mango tree has been pulled out by a storm named “Milenyo” years ago in our little city of Cavite. Second, I saw my Grandfather Tatay Alejo. Tatay had been dead for six years now, and that was solid evidence that this was a dream.

Oddly, I was not terrified nor afraid when I saw him. I never trembled in fear seeing him looking at me knowing he is already dead. Tatay hadn't changed; his face looked just the same as the last time I saw him alive. I was about to ask him a lot questions like; What he had been up to in the past six years? Is there a place which we call heaven? Did he saw his father and mother wherever they were? As I wait for his voice to be heard, I hear someone called my name.

“Xanders…”

This was the voice that I would willing to sacrifice everything just to hear it all over again whether I was awake or sleep… or even I was already dead.

It’s Mhy.

Even though I was sure that I was dreaming, I was always thrilled to see her and I try to introduce her to my Tatay Alejo and try to explain that she is the girl that I always want to be with for all of eternity and not the girl he knew when he was still alive.

Suddenly, I had a strange and odd vision in my dream as I saw a rosary which binds Mhy and I. Tatay Alejo was smiling yet I saw his eyes were watery with tears ready to fall. I saw them walking away and hear that Tatay thanking Mhy as they walk away from me. I start to emit furious flames as they ignore me when I said wait. I was mad this time and my eyes turned black instead of its natural color whenever it was exposing to sunlight. I try to lighten up the dark place to see where they were going with my fire but Mhy summon a huge wave of water which turns off my fire and all visibility turns fade to black. After that, Mhy kiss me passionately and greet me a happy birthday then the rosary were snapped.

I woke up and I was terrified, I remember the first person whom I gave a rosary which is my first love when I was on Elementary. I was worrying why the rosary snapped in my dreams. I was in the state of anxiety so I go to my office when Mhy texted me. I was shaking when I arrive, as something is bound to happen and I cannot tell whether it is good… or bad.

I informed Mhy thru text message when I arrive in the canteen. After a couple of minutes, One of her friend in the canteen gave me a cake.

I was surprise she gave me a cake as her Birthday present. I have no idea what is going on in this moment because she tell me to give the cake to my officemates. After doing so, I was totally shock on the words written on the cake as i open the box. I still can’t believe if this is true so I text her and she replied…

Oh akala ko b gus2 m
mkta nla kng gno m ko
kmahal. Di ntn yan
mddla mxado mlaki bgay
m nlng sa team mo,itz
juz my way of saying
YES

From: 4ever Maylene
Sent: 5:26pm
16/06/2009

At this very moment, I don’t own my life anymore…

Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #003

Chapter Three: Sanctuary

Being in love is terrible. It opens your inner being and makes you so vulnerable in any forms of emotional attack. You give the best of you to the person you love even they didn’t ask it, and your damn best is not good to make it last. They did something like smile at you, embrace you, caressing you, kiss you and then your life isn’t your own anymore. There are times that love slowly fade and break our heart. A broken heart turns to be a shattered glass that burst inside our soul in a ripping pain. No matter how much we want to make them stay, they still need to go and we must set them free.

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1st Corinthians 13: 4-7”

As we walk down the same path right now, I still can’t call her mine. In every night we walk under the moonlight, No matter how far we walk, no matter how long it takes, she still needs to return because someone is waiting her to be home.

"grabe ha? I still cant believe nilakad natin from our work place til Edsa! -Mhy"

It feels like a hell knowing she’s not mine. I feel like there is something she takes away from me every time we separated apart. But I start to wonder, how can I loose someone which I haven’t from the very start?

How painful to see that the one you want to be loved is in love with someone else, but there’s no more painful that a guy could ever felt if the one you want to be loved is still crying because of her someone else. Isn’t it ironic?

Is it really necessary to let go the person you love to prove you really love her? If so, if you really love this person, why in the hell you will let her go? If I really did the right thing, why this pain won’t fade away? I hope the rain can wash away this piercing pain which really tearing my soul from within.

Isn’t it absurd to give her all the smiles while I’ll take all these tears? The winds has come and the time were ticking away so fast, life is really short and you cannot turn back time no matter how much you bend your knees and please.

I keep asking myself “Did I really do my part?” I still want to play my part but I know my role is already over. How I wish to remake the things which time turned out to be but I already came this far… I can’t go back where I used to be.

Expressing what I feel to her is like heaven itself. She may not appreciate it but for me, it’s the best feeling in the world. It doesn’t matter if she ignores me; as long as I’m giving my best shot... it really doesn’t matter... Even I know I turn to be an obsessed and masochistic vagabond.

Before she leaves me in Baclaran Church, I embrace her tenderly, I try to whisper that I love her but knowing that she will be caressed by the person she choose when she come back at her pod, I just seal my lips and vanquished my speech.

I supposed that she will leave soon but I want the whole world to know that a part of her stays with me even after she goes.

Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #002

Chapter Two: Suffragium

“But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you shall not eat of it: for in the day that you eat thereof you shall surely die. Genesis 2:17”

The moment she succumb my soul, my breath is destined for her to take. For between life and death, thus my life shall turn to ashes. For the difference that she make, It doesn’t really matter if I am right or wrong, I am indulge to her while I devoured by her requiem song.

My body, mind and soul starts to fidget and I’m loosing out of control. My affection to her ravishes my tranquility and my peptide hormones that bind to opiate receptors keep me pushing near to her. Upon being with her, that is the only time I regain the peace that I’ve lost.

Upon talking to her, we had melancholy conversations. In those strident tones that once shook from her lips, requiem of souls has been unleashed. Forfeited by thee this agony and grieve in the valley of tears. Claim as penitence for my vile and sins.

I knew it, my doubt was right from the very start. She was shackled with someone else just like a princess maiden who kept hostage in a tower of bricks which can be compared in the height of a skyscraper. I was still frightened of the hostility that I sometimes felt emanating from her. I was still tongue-tied whenever I pictured her radiant face that was imprisoned on regrets and disappointments on the person she choose to be with. I want to outburst for what things have become. I wish things were renewed and this pain can be eased so I won’t felt this kind of feelings.

“And now tell me, do you feel the same feelings you have for me? “ She lamented her thoughtless acts.

I reply sincerely and try to communicate by looking straight towards on her powerful and dangerous eyes.

“Indeed” I reply

“Are you insane? I already told you that my life was already condemned and my former someone was able to…”

I could hear how crazy she sounded, and I couldn't hide my unconditional feelings for her. She was so frustrated that I could feel her tears coming.

“…Enough” putting an end on her tone question about my sanity

“Why? Don’t you like to hear more about what I’ve become and what I do on my past?” she persisted when I told her I didn't mind in the least.

“I said enough, you only let me fall deeper to you, isn’t it so obvious that I’m so in love with you right now?” I pleaded and my soft voice overwhelming.

She was staring at me incredulously. But her face was tense, defensive.

"You think I will believe you?" Her tone questioned my sanity while she unleashed the full, devastating power of her eyes on me.

“I never ask you to believe” I smirked offensively countering her devastating eyes which pierce my inner being.

“Who are you? I don’t know what or how can someone like you came to my life, it looks so unreal that someone will had that kind of affections” Her eyes were watery intense and tears were ready to fall in her blushing cheeks as she uttered that last sentence, her voice was melting in a soft and sentimental tone and It is hard for me to breathe.

I paused, and for a brief moment her stunning face was unexpectedly vulnerable.

“So, what’s the verdict?” I asked

She nodded her head and say… "In that case… I hope you enjoy disappointment."


FYI : Suffragium means praying to God on behalf of someone else.

Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #001

Chapter One: Noctem Aeternus

A month way back before, It was post meridian when I first glance at her; I look at her in timid manner. I try not to say the words that might just scare her away just like those pathetic, low lives perverts who wants to catch her attention.

When I gaze upon her, I see a pair of captivating eyes; those blurry eyes endured tears and sufferings due to tragic past of miserable romance. It shows mysteries of her life that I always wanted to solve. These eyes belong to a pale, soft and smooth looking face. Although barely noticeable, it is an epitome of peacefulness, tranquility, and yet soothing. Also; her scent is the most intensive drug I ever inhaled, my long awaited personal morphine that I ever want to abuse. Her voice enchants a last song syndrome in my cerebrum, creating a soft melody that haunts in every deafening silence whenever I’m alone.

I already made up my mind that I will avoid her so I won’t be able to wanting her so badly because I don’t know if I can control myself once I give my will for her to be done.

Unfortunately, fate vanquishes my words. When I met her on the time immemorial, I get the shivers down my spine and I feel my body turning cold. This feeling is so frightening; it keeps me driving insane as I near to her. My chest starts to beat at a speed equal to a predator as it charges toward its prey. Her soul hit me like a battering ram on medieval sieges, crushing the thick brick wall I established to protect me from devastating pain. I can never tell on eternal lines what kind of force burst inside me on the day she talks to me in that single room.

“Do you like anything? Like juice or coffee?“ A sweet toned voice unleashed in her tempting lips.

“No, Thanks…” I answered.

I still wonder why I can’t explain these tranquil and serene feelings that touch my heart and her smile illuminate my heart that hide in the darkness. I already got all I need when I am beside her. She’s too close to me yet so far. I have hard time to keep my eyes off her and I felt this indescribable feelings. How I wish I could tell her in words what I really feel but I couldn’t find the right words that can touch her deep inside.

For that very moment, I can’t get her out of my mind. She opens my heart and makes me vulnerable in any form of distinctive emotions that will cut or hammered my inner being. I greatly loose all of my strength to keep away from her and have the urge to see her more and more…

FYI: “Noctem Aeternus” means “Eternal Night” in Latin