Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #008

Chapter ???: Magnus Moestitia

Ultimatum. Yesterday, it was September 5, 2009 when I seek a form of gratification gained from pain. I faced the great pain of any man could get, Knowing the fact that I cant do anything to save our relationship, I still follow my mind, heart and soul. I face every consequences like pain, emotional torture, professional life, self denial, humiliation, and most of all ...my proud pride to my self.

a masochist Xanders...

I went to Sambat, Santo Cristo, Sariaya Quezon to see what lies beyond Mhy, I want to see the place where she grew. I was totally clueless where it is. Before I live the city surrounded by water which is my home, Cavite city, I drew a spiritual strength from a rosary and wear my Nanay's rosary to guide me from anything as I wonder on the province in which I knew not. I still remember my rosary which I give to Mhy, I hope it gives the same spiritual guidance to her too.

It was 3am when I was on my way to Lucena, I was shaking and praying that things will run smooth and everything will be alright. I keep the positive attitude that I can find what I looking for but there is still fear that flows in my head. what if I cant find it? what if she already leave? what if my effort will be wasted?

I fight my tears from falling down as I wondering, my heart beats so loud and my hands is so cold that I am shaking for hours on the bus until I reach the Amang Inang resto in Sariaya. As i drop by on that resto I eat a bowl of Mami, I need to eat even I'm not starving because i know that I didn't take any food since yesterday and there is a great possibility that I could collapse since I feel dizzy and each step I make were out of balance.

All eyes of people there are on me, They staring me as a outsider and wonder what is my business in their town. I was afraid to ask questions but I start to smile at them and ask if they know where is the Granada-Perez clan.

Unfortunately, no one knew them. I try to walk and find some clues on side walk. I start to talk to my self and ask for my sleeping hunters eye to help me again to find my target but I start slowly to loose hope. I was walking around until I reach the Lagnas bridge. I stare at the Mt. Banahaw, I seek essence of fire from it and it amplify my burning desire to continue my mission here at Sariaya.

I go back to the track armed only with memories of Mhy, I breathe and find guts as I walk into brushes inside the forest, I was definitely shaking because I didn't see any road as I go deeper and deeper inside the forest. I couldn't find any people to talk to. To make the situation worst, the rain start to fall. I was totally wet as I walk around the brushes. I put my shades on to hide my teary eyes until I saw a way out on the forest.

I already give up this stupidity searching for her fortress only to surprise her so I text Mhy where the hell is she but unfortunately she said she was still in Fairview waiting for her plane ticket and she has no intention of seeing me in Sariaya.

At this time, I hold my chest and start to take a seat at the mere hollow blocks. I start to shout as a crazy man and I start to loose my consciousness. I look the the gloomy cloud and start to puke due to tiredness. I was so tired, really really tired. Sweat, tears, and wet clothes makes my step heavier but the emotional pain is the heaviest baggage I carry.

While I was walking, I start to ask where I could find a bus that goes to LRT on a guy who was staring at me and wonder what is my problem. I hold both of my metal knuckle and a dagger inside my pocket if he try to mess up with me or laugh on my awkwardness. As he answer my question, he said that a bus in which heading to LRT was on the right lane, I just need to wait for it on the highway. I was also very thirsty so I also ask where i could find a store.

I walk to the store he pinpoint to me and I start to feel an eerie feelings when I saw a table of billiard. I start to wonder inside if there is a PlayStation cafe but i found a two coin arcade. I also saw a motorcycle. My tears are bursting and I was 100% sure this is their store. I start to fix my self before I buy a soda. I went on front of their store and buy a small cola. I saw Krizza and surprise her as I call her name. She was so confuse and surprise that she don't know what to do or what to reply. I go inside and stare at their arcade and watch her big sister. As her sister notice me, I talk to her and ask her a favor to give the red ribbon i treasured to Yen. I also give a rosary guide because I know that Yen don't know how to pray the rosary. after that, I start to go home.

On the bus, I start to text Mhy, she also replied "I'm sorry Xanders, move on!", My feelings was so intense but kinda numb this time. I couldn't feel her love anymore and I also don't have enough affections to give because I already give her all the love I have inside. She said bye for numerous times, like for the countless times I said i love her. I didn't reply for her last bye knowing that she really mean it. I start to open my opera mini on my mobile phone and start to open my facebook account. I saw a wall messages of all of my friends and office mates to me as they keep cheering me up when they knew how much I take the risk for a piece of love. They keep telling me that I'm not alone and they are here with me.

I was kinda happy in the end as my a mission and journey in Quezon Province has been accomplished.


FYI: Magnus Moestitia means Greatest Sorrow

Sunder, Shades of Black and Red: #007

Chapter ??? :Media nox Moestitia

Segunda. After a dozens of beer and wine i drink, for numerous packs of cigarette i smoke and enormous pain i felt, i thought the catastrophe of pain has subsides in my heart but unfortunately, it is not. After having a talk with all of my friends and advice of persons to whom i talk to, i still suffer and live on despair when i hear that she will leave on Monday, September 7, year 2009. I already threw away her relics which i kept on my room, like the receipts of foods and trips we have. I already deleted her emails in my office and all of her text messages in my mobile phone before, but at this very moment, i miss her so bad and i want to cry the hell out of my heart because of her. I cannot cheat myself that i don't love her anymore, where in my heart, mind and soul was still set to love her more and more as time pass by and it keeps getting stronger everyday just like a balloon that can explode anytime due to enormous air which never stop to keep filling inside.

I never ask God why He let this happen to me, I still have a faith and trust to Him but i cant help my self to stop crying and torturing my self due to intense pain i felt because of this tragic romance. I start to look into mirror, I see my self as a wasted, fool and ugly man. I cant see my former self and i don't recognize who is the person in front of my mirror. Tears start to fall and i begin crying like a moron. I do stupid things again same as what i do before the day when she first inform me that she will leave. My anxiety is overflowing and my mind was sailing on the ceiling on the whole night of pain and tears every night. I want to die to escape this torment but it is really hard to die in a blink of an eye. I want to commit suicide but i don't know how to do it quickly and swiftly.

"tol kw n bhla ke mhy ha!Ndi man kta klala alagaan m0 un mabuti wag n wag mo saktan un dhl gagawin ko lhat mbawi lng xa saupg gnwa mo un!Mahal n mahal ko un sna gn0n krn!"

from +639165391020
sent: 9:45am
01/06/2009

That is the message coming from her ex-bf which he send to me the day when they finally broke up. It give me reason to live but it also made me think why I should live just because of her? My friends always told me to move on, but how can I move on if I cant get up? no matter how i try to stand on my own, there is no place left for me to go home. She is my home and I'm so addicted, her love is all i need to get by. As my midnight sun fade and the rain drop by in my dessert field again, her water douses my fire which is burning eternally with desire to share my lifetime with her. My idea of living with her for all of my life is a dream which turn to be a nightmare when i discover that it would not last and will end up so soon.

I want to save a little love for my self but there is still a will for her to be done.

FYI: Media nox Moestitia means Midnight of Sorrow